broken.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted 

and saves the crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

Isn't that what we all hate to be? It's what we fear the most. To lose all sense of direction and concreteness about anything. When the questions mount up thick and drip into each other making clarity obsolete. When going through the motions is like murder on your soul and body. People around you stay silent because they don't really know what to say... so they speak no words, making you believe in your broken state that maybe your crazy.. and if you really believed God you'd be ok, because He loves you and knows the plans for you, not to harm or hurt you. You pour scripture into your soul.. hoping beyond reason that maybe something will stick and you will be "better" or maybe get enough courage to at least take a shower.

You are broken.

You yell and question God at these times, "If you really really loved me.. " Feeling dictates your motions and motions dictate your feelings.. it's a never ending cycle of pain, and you just want off. You just want this to be happening to anyone but you.. so you can play the silent one, the one that is oblivious to the pain that you carry. 

And you know deep down that there is joy somewhere, but you can't see it, feel it, even if it came knocking on your door dressed in a maid's outfit ready to scrub toilets you wouldn't see it. 

Joy is illusive. It's so far from the concept of living that you can't even grasp that thought, so you keep walking, feeling, living.. sorda.

There is another side to being broken. The one I can see now. 2 years ago, if you would have told me this I would have told you to "go to hell, and take your cat with you."  

The opposite of broken.. is not fixed.

It's learning. 

Learning to lean on Him, learning that people really do care about you, Learning that everything about anything can be found in the Word. Learning to shower again while crying, Learning that you really are loved so much by a God who created you. Learning that He wants to be your joy. Learning to feel, and move on. Learning to say goodbye to old hurts and hangups. Learning to see Him through different colored glasses. Learning to open your mouth when He wants to feed you. Learning the difference between mercy and grace, joy and pain, obedience and trust. 

Learning that although you are broken.. you have roots that are anchored into a God so big that he'd never let you go. He can't.. He lives inside you. 

It may be the hardest thing you'll ever do. Learning to focus on the learning instead of concentrating on the broken, and you might think I'm losing it, but really.. the bigger picture is that your not totally broken.. your just learning the deep deep things of God, and from someone who has walked through a season of brokeness.. hang on, learn to lean and walk on. I'm thinking God has for you bigger things that what you can even conceive.