can you tattoo joy?

When I was in 6th or maybe 7th grade there was this hot actor named River Phoenix. The gals I hung out with, well, we loved loved loved this "man." Watching Stand By Me was a weekly occurrence. He made our hearts pitter patter even when we didn't know what that meant.  He was my ideal man and he quickly became my idol. Then, I graduated, and he died.

In college, I'd have to say my idol was the Little Mermaid. I kinda wish I had a picture to show you of the wonderful things my friends gifted me with to display. I was decked out in all things mermaidish. I even got a tattoo of that crustacean. I loved loved loved her voice, the story, the colors pretty much everything about it. It was my ideal movie and it quickly became my idol. Then, I quit college and got married.

Deeper idols started to appear when I joined as one with the Lead Singer, a clean home, meals at 8, 12, and 6. Patterns I no doubt fell into based on my own upbringing. Being a great wife and homemaker became my idol. Then, well, I had the world changers.

Idols when your a mom are ever changing.. some days it's sleep, date nights, alone time in the bathroom, the lady at church who has well behaved children, all 17 of them, being totally done with the laundry, feeding your family healthy organic meals, being all things to all people at all the same time, the latest TV show, girl time, going shopping without any kids. Whew, it makes me tired just thinking about all the things there are to elevate to an idol level when your a mom. But mostly, when my world changers were small I didn't even think about idols. I was focused on surviving the day.

Timothy Keller, a pastor and author, defined an idol as "making a good thing an ultimate thing." A good movie, a thought, a practice, a person, an emotion.. anything that becomes an ultimate thing is an idol. And if you have an idol, your willing to do anything for it. Heck, you'd even tattoo it on your.. well, never mind. 

In the very last verse of 1 John, it says, "Little children, keep yourselves from idols."  and I want to shush him for even writing that. How could he write that, and mean it? Was he not human? Was he not alive? Did he not have a life?  Its irritating to me when people seem like they have super powers to overcome things of the flesh like idols. "Keep yourselves from idols" how is that possible when my whole life I've been a frequent patron at the library of idols?

My world changers love their electronic devices and they love them all the time. Yes, I'd call it an idol. but they, well, they call it fun and entertainment. As their parent, I don't enjoy ripping it out of their hands, but sometimes I have to,and boy do they scream and holler. I get the sticker for being the "worst mom in the world," but I know the louder they scream, the tighter that idol had a grip on their heart, and I'm OK with them taking a break from it, for their own sake, because I know idols.. they destroy joy.

Wow, John had it right all along. He knew idols destroyed joy. He knew. He knew God. He knew Jesus. He knew the Truth and God wanted us to know that anytime you "make a good thing the ultimate thing" you destroy any chance of lasting joy. 

"You make known to me the path of life;

 in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." 

Psalm 16:11

Funny how that works... you make God your idol and you get lasting joy. Love that, and I don't even have to tattoo that on my.. oh never mind.

broken.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted 

and saves the crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

Isn't that what we all hate to be? It's what we fear the most. To lose all sense of direction and concreteness about anything. When the questions mount up thick and drip into each other making clarity obsolete. When going through the motions is like murder on your soul and body. People around you stay silent because they don't really know what to say... so they speak no words, making you believe in your broken state that maybe your crazy.. and if you really believed God you'd be ok, because He loves you and knows the plans for you, not to harm or hurt you. You pour scripture into your soul.. hoping beyond reason that maybe something will stick and you will be "better" or maybe get enough courage to at least take a shower.

You are broken.

You yell and question God at these times, "If you really really loved me.. " Feeling dictates your motions and motions dictate your feelings.. it's a never ending cycle of pain, and you just want off. You just want this to be happening to anyone but you.. so you can play the silent one, the one that is oblivious to the pain that you carry. 

And you know deep down that there is joy somewhere, but you can't see it, feel it, even if it came knocking on your door dressed in a maid's outfit ready to scrub toilets you wouldn't see it. 

Joy is illusive. It's so far from the concept of living that you can't even grasp that thought, so you keep walking, feeling, living.. sorda.

There is another side to being broken. The one I can see now. 2 years ago, if you would have told me this I would have told you to "go to hell, and take your cat with you."  

The opposite of broken.. is not fixed.

It's learning. 

Learning to lean on Him, learning that people really do care about you, Learning that everything about anything can be found in the Word. Learning to shower again while crying, Learning that you really are loved so much by a God who created you. Learning that He wants to be your joy. Learning to feel, and move on. Learning to say goodbye to old hurts and hangups. Learning to see Him through different colored glasses. Learning to open your mouth when He wants to feed you. Learning the difference between mercy and grace, joy and pain, obedience and trust. 

Learning that although you are broken.. you have roots that are anchored into a God so big that he'd never let you go. He can't.. He lives inside you. 

It may be the hardest thing you'll ever do. Learning to focus on the learning instead of concentrating on the broken, and you might think I'm losing it, but really.. the bigger picture is that your not totally broken.. your just learning the deep deep things of God, and from someone who has walked through a season of brokeness.. hang on, learn to lean and walk on. I'm thinking God has for you bigger things that what you can even conceive.