2:14am

Often times in my walk I come reread what God had me write in previous posts. They encourage my soul and I love to hear Him, fresh and new. Most days the original intent of the post is not at all what God has me see when I re read things. I love that about God's word. It's living and active, and I often feel like my words here are for me too.. ok, I feel that a ton.. i'l be honest.

That being said, today's post is straight from my prayer journal back in December. Funny thing is, God spoke again newness into this verse just today while I re read it.  Well, in hopes that I someday look back at this moment between God and I and see it differently.. I'm posting it below. Can I remind you that it's 2:14 in the morning.. and well, at that time my theology might be a bit off.. so no comments on the Judah thing.. apparently it meant something at the time.

My other intended purpose as to publishing something so raw is this..

I listened to a national Christian speaker live, she was taping for her radio show. It was raw and very real. She coughed and cleared her throat. She lost her place and had to ask someone who was following along in their notes where she was. Point being.. here I thought she was a magnificent speaker, but truth is she's not. I don't mean that in a bad way. Her teaching is straight out of the Word, but God in his mercy and grace surrounded her with people who know how to edit. Listening to her in the raw spoke to me. It brought her down from a pedestal that I had unknowingly put her on. People are real. They make mistakes, no big deal. The Word is still preached, and God promises that it will not come back void.
______________________

____________________________________

I can't sleep, my mind is racing- floating from one thought to the next- so I thought I'd come here and focus on You- the Great Thought Giver.

Father, I praise you today for Life, You created me. You know me intimately, You alone know of who I was and who I am becoming. The path that I have taken to get here- in this place- haven't all been easy, but You knew them all! How can I ever repay what you do for me?

I ask in these quiet moments that you sanctify me in Truth, for You Word is Truth!

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is as everlasting rock!" Isaiah 26

it's talking about peace, and how God gives it, if we seek it. This particular chapter makes me think of my life actually, kinda strange, but am I not Judah? a land who was captured and over taken by satan- only to be freed by God later with much more knowledge and grace and holiness? 

You have done for us all our works.

I am nothing, consume me, In your name I pray, Amen  I love you!! 

the blessing concert.

It begins softly. A lullaby that caresses your soul. 

Preparing you for something. The something that you just don't know, but you feel.

You start the movement, with a wave of your hand. 

A breathing on of the Holy Sprit is what you pray for. 

Fan the flame. 

Ask, Seek, Knock.

Gently giving thoughts and feelings to the One who can control. 

You embrace the music, hope to get 100 ahead, and He whispers to your soul.

"I got this.. sleep." 

You wake.

Coffee brings the senses to life and you stare at the screen. 

What do you say when your faced with the reality that what your looking at is 

straight from the hand of God?

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth!

Serve the Lord with gladness! 

Come into His presence with singing!

Psalms 100:1-2

Friends become brothers. 

Friends become sisters.

Strangers pick up the cause.

and overnight, while you slept.

God worked a miracle.

As the music plays, blessings compound and create tears that flow freely.

A minor key starts. 

Forcing your gaze away from the Conductor.

Do you dare believe that God would give such a gift to your son? 

Did you read the post right? Is it really a full scholarship to a music camp? 

Is it crazy to have just spent your day off asking people to join your cause?

You are crazy.. you don't deserve this. 

Doubts flood your mind.. is this the Way in which your supposed to be walking?

You just made a fool of yourself. 

and God grabs your face and begins to sing louder and louder to your soul again and again.

"Rest... i got this."

And the all fuss and doubts wash away in the rhythm of His hand.

The radio station calls.

"Your son is a winner."

and He says...

"Enjoy...I love you." 

____________________________________

Tears are flowing from my eyes as I try to put into meager words the events of the past two days. It was just a scholarship give away on a radio station, but it became so much more. A campaign between friends, family and strangers.  I'm simply amazed at how God works.. sometimes.. you just don't have the appropriate words, at all.. and thats really frustrating to a gal like me.  If you had any part in this movement a thank you just isn't enough, but it's all I got. 

It truly is Another Happy Day.

broken.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted 

and saves the crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

Isn't that what we all hate to be? It's what we fear the most. To lose all sense of direction and concreteness about anything. When the questions mount up thick and drip into each other making clarity obsolete. When going through the motions is like murder on your soul and body. People around you stay silent because they don't really know what to say... so they speak no words, making you believe in your broken state that maybe your crazy.. and if you really believed God you'd be ok, because He loves you and knows the plans for you, not to harm or hurt you. You pour scripture into your soul.. hoping beyond reason that maybe something will stick and you will be "better" or maybe get enough courage to at least take a shower.

You are broken.

You yell and question God at these times, "If you really really loved me.. " Feeling dictates your motions and motions dictate your feelings.. it's a never ending cycle of pain, and you just want off. You just want this to be happening to anyone but you.. so you can play the silent one, the one that is oblivious to the pain that you carry. 

And you know deep down that there is joy somewhere, but you can't see it, feel it, even if it came knocking on your door dressed in a maid's outfit ready to scrub toilets you wouldn't see it. 

Joy is illusive. It's so far from the concept of living that you can't even grasp that thought, so you keep walking, feeling, living.. sorda.

There is another side to being broken. The one I can see now. 2 years ago, if you would have told me this I would have told you to "go to hell, and take your cat with you."  

The opposite of broken.. is not fixed.

It's learning. 

Learning to lean on Him, learning that people really do care about you, Learning that everything about anything can be found in the Word. Learning to shower again while crying, Learning that you really are loved so much by a God who created you. Learning that He wants to be your joy. Learning to feel, and move on. Learning to say goodbye to old hurts and hangups. Learning to see Him through different colored glasses. Learning to open your mouth when He wants to feed you. Learning the difference between mercy and grace, joy and pain, obedience and trust. 

Learning that although you are broken.. you have roots that are anchored into a God so big that he'd never let you go. He can't.. He lives inside you. 

It may be the hardest thing you'll ever do. Learning to focus on the learning instead of concentrating on the broken, and you might think I'm losing it, but really.. the bigger picture is that your not totally broken.. your just learning the deep deep things of God, and from someone who has walked through a season of brokeness.. hang on, learn to lean and walk on. I'm thinking God has for you bigger things that what you can even conceive. 

maturing approval.

He ran up to me to show me his fingers. 

 Normally he wants nothing to do with my antics to get him involved, but today it's different.

Joy spreads across his face and he yells at his mom, 

who is walking the baby in a stroller around the track while we play. 

"Mom, look at me!" 

and I wonder if those around me can hear my thoughts.

Do we ever stop wanting approval of people who love us?

Do we ever get to old to stop waving our

 smudgy little fingers in the face of those who care..

"Look at me."

Does the need for approval just translate into

 please confirm that you love me? 

or the need to know what your doing is important?

 What does it look like to outgrow this 3 year old "look at me" mentality?

What does a life that looks for no approval actually look like? 

Does God even expect us to live without getting approval from humans no matter what our age?

and the questions keep mounting. 

There was this guy in the Bible, John the Baptist.. you know the one, that guy who dressed funny and ate bugs, and had the awesome responsibility of telling people that the Savior was coming.  Long story very short.. Toward the end of his life on earth he was thrown in prison and it was there in prison he hears through the grapevine that Jesus is walking around raising people from the dead... and John the Baptist wants to know if this is the Savior who he was telling everyone about. So, he sends some folks to go check out the story.

Well, Jesus confirms to John's people that He is the One and then John's messengers high tailed it back to John in prison.  So, after John's people leave.. Jesus says this to those around him.

 "I tell you, among those born of women none is greater than John, 

Yet the one who is least in the kingdom of God is greater than he."

Luke 7:28

Approval. Yes, John you did a great job. I see you, and John didn't even get to hear it..  I'm sure there was but minutes between verses in this book of the Bible. Minutes that would have made a difference between what John's people heard, and what they didn't.. so why didn't God let  them stay long enough to hear Jesus's words about John? 

In the search for answers you stumble on the greatest gift.. the uncovering of something so beautiful that your glad you asked the hard questions.  You find a faith that is living and breathing. A faith in a God who wants to hold you so close that people see Him, not you.. so he gets the glory. God wants us to know that approval is the lesser and  just knowing that Jesus is alive, active and here is enough.

but when your 3, you don't have the maturity to know this...