a hack saw....

This past year Tony and I pruned our apple trees. Since we had not done it in about 5 years.. there was a ton of extra growth to get rid of. we spent a ton of time deciding and acting on each and every branch. the result.. we got great fruit in the fall at harvest.

Spending time and energy on pruning is definitely worth it. i have enjoyed the fruit of many past pruning sessions..

but pruning this time is sooo very close to me. it's become part of me.. who i am.. my identity. who i claim to be.. who i love to be. and i'm afraid i'll be boring without it.. and i hate the thought of that.

so i'm not so sure i want to prune it... quite yet.

so i'll hold on to the thing that i'm supposed to prune.. and not listen the the holy spirit. and my heart will get hard.. soo that the next time i need to prune the warning is louder and more painful. sounds like a plan...

that i'm not doing..

...this time.. i'm choosing to prune.. i'm choosing to grab the hack saw and remove the growth that sprung up in me.. that God allowed.. but hates.

hard?? definitely.

worth it?? absolutely.

if i have to "suffer" to know my Jesus through pruning.. bring it on.

i have the BEST helper in the whole universe.


"for I the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you." Isaiah 41:13

creating an adventure

i have a touch of "spazness"... yes that's a word. trust me. if you have it you do know what i'm talking about. if you don't well... you will never understand.... just trust me. it's probably the reason you can't really ever "get me"

so this "spazness" leads to random things that i must accomplish.. so someday when i'm sitting in the nursing home talking to my buddies.. i will never be able to say " i wish i would have done that...." i would rather say " i tried and failed" to me it's a much better story..and certainly more interesting

so what adventure am i seeking now???

it starts with me having WAY too much time on my hands lately and a cute little pixie.. who thinks i got skills.. .

and i feel very inadequate.

and if i'm completely honest i suffer from a tad bit of low self worth.. being told over and over again your "just different" is hard on a person..

and one transfers that to all areas of life.. until you think one day that your uniqueness is bad..

instead of God given ...

and your scared to try new things because you might fail and then those who told you your different are right..

so i just refuse to play the game.. so... i don't lose nor do i feel like i failed.

but this pixie.. she tells me i got skills... and its her belief in me that makes me crazy enough to think i might be able to pull it off.

so.. for the next four weeks i will be busy creating things to sell in a local mall.

of course... i'm hoping to sell out.

but if no one buys anything..

i will have made great gifts for my friends... and..

i will have tried and that makes for a much better story inside and out.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 2 Corinthians 4:17

(the nursing home perspective was from the pixie as well... thanks pix :).. can you say annoyingly encouraging?)

Cornerstone

golly. 

i love the Word of God. 

it pulls and pushes me to new levels of understanding.. and i love how it's alive. feeding me when i need it, chastising me when i need it (and this is often!)  

like this morning.. i read.. "abstain from the passions of the flesh" in 1 Peter 2:11

which leads me to think.. what am i passionately pursuing thats of the flesh.  cause hello i'm not THAT bright .. but i think God's saying.. ABSTAIN... which, in my really complicated brain screams... DO NOT EVEN GO CLOSE- STAY AWAY- well, you get the idea.

i'm pursuing enjoyment. 

enjoyment in things other than God himself.  

my passion for fitting in.   I need to fit in.. to belong. to be of a greater cause than myself. and currently i'm not.. AND i'm currently very passionate about finding that fit.

whew.. slow down kelly.. slow down to let it sink in.. 

God doesn't want you to serve just to save the world.. He wants you to serve to be closer to you. for you kelly, to become so passionately useful that it accomplishes His purpose.. NOT yours kelly.. to be passionate about what God wants.. not what you choose. 

it's a moment by moment battle to kill the flesh.. 

whew.

i have such a long way to go... 

"Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which rage war against your soul."  1 Peter 2:11

i am having a hard time fitting in.

it's supposed to be easy.   

take a class, serve a few places, pick your favorite, then serve till you die.   easy.

not so.. if you are a "has been"

i used to lead. i used to be the one to vision cast. i used to be the one to select team members. i used to give and give.. until one day.. i had to stop... and let God take over.

excuse me if i seem to be talking out of line.. i have jumped in mid-stream.. the story is much longer, but i'm not sure that matters. 

what matters is where God wants me now.. and having been where i have been.. it's not that easy to know where i should be now.

doing the hard things has become addicting.  God's hand has been so evident. 

Except in that i have no clue where to serve the local church.  I  scream at Him.. "WHERE DO YOU WANT ME!???!!".. but when i do.. silence.

i have no answers. no resolutions.... they are coming i'm confident.. but right now.. i have a huge part of my life i would love to give... 

o i think..  Come on girl.. buck up .. you have things to do.. clean toilets, clean, clean , clean... heck i could clean after my family 100% of the time.. and still be cleaning.. but does cleaning change the world? of course it does, (i've been told.) but there has to be something more fun.... more exciting.. more challenging... more anything.. but toilets..... 

but i supposed that i'll keep doing what i'm doing until He whispers... and i hear Him.. i sooo hope i have patience for that. 

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."  Isaiah 43:18-19