Thursday, March 22, 2012

the land of I Am.

It has been one of those weeks, when I force myself to remain quiet and really try to understand my motives in my heart. That is probably the hardest thing. Yes, I love to create. Yes, I love to receive compliments. Yes, I like to help my family and Make Way Partners out financially. Yes, I love to play with words and fonts. Yet, when it comes down too it. The condition of my heart is what matters most. 

When I finally let the cat out of the bag on the events of the last week I want it to be God glorifying and pleasing to Him. However, in order to do that, it seems I need to tell you that the struggle against flesh is so so so hard, because I am human, and I want credit. I want to look good in your eyes, I want you to like me, like my art. I want you to see who I am. 
There, did you see it? 

 I want you to see who I am.

The goal and plans unearthed gently by way of words on a screen. I want you to see who I am. Eight words that, if I am honest, started my journey in blogland. I wanted people to know me, ugh.. those earlier posts drive me crazy. O how I want to delete them and just forget they didn't happen, but I can't. They are me. Full of me. 

Minute by minute.
every second my soul begs me to go back to wanting you to see me. 
I fight it.. with every thought. 

Change happens slowly. What starts in your head, moves to your heart and you wake up one day and realize you have changed. Your close friends confirm your hard work of dying to self  and you start to live life in silence. Letting God take the glory. He lets you live in that world until you find your footings on His rocks and you feel Him with every thought and move. 

Without warning, or maybe there was? He lets go of your hands and you are forced to take steps in a land you haven't ever been.  The land of I Am.  A land where He is enough, He is your all in all, He satisfies every need. He loves you unconditionally. He whispers to your soul.. " you can do this, but not alone." You need Him like your very breath, because the steps you are taking are very very scary. Will He catch me if I fall? Will He be there? Would He approve of this? and my heart is calling out to Him.. I want people to see You.  

Show them You. 

  • This week Kelly Gau Studio was legally born with the help of  Dear Brother. 
  • The Lead Singer made me an amaxing logo. 
  • A brother, who speaks another language, I'm sure in his sleep, is helping me set up a website.
  • Dear Sister gave me canvas in my waiting for the UPS guy to show up.. and on those I painted what I am considering my most favorite of all and I can't wait to show you. 
  • None of this would be even happening if my bestest friend in the whole world hadn't sent me that box of canvases a few months back.
  • And then theres the countless comments and affirmations I receive from you. 

In my hearts effort to make sure you see God in everything I do.  I can only tell you that I am constantly aware of this and with everything in my being... but I will mess up. I will fail. I have before, and I will again.. However, I know there is grace. A grace that I can't live without..cuz that's how things roll in the land of I Am... and I live there now. 


Helen said...

I'm so happy that you're following your heart in this, Kelly. You're so right, it's all about the heart. However, we were created fleshly and we all want to be told we're good enough and that what we do is good enough. Sometimes it feels that God alone can't fill this in our lives or that we're not allowing Him to fill this in our lives, but I feel that He created people to help Him fill this fleshly desire of wanting praise. I don't think it's a bad thing in moderation. God is using the words of our friends and mentors to bless our hearts with their praise of our work. It glorifies Him when people notice the wonderful talents that He's given to others. Does that make sense? I love your work. I think it's amazing that God can share such love with people through you and your work and your desire to help others. Thanks for this reminder today that it's about where my heart is, not where my fleshly desire is to please anyone but the Father. Have a blessed day!

Helen said...

PS I'm uber excited for your shop to open, too! God is using you in a mighty way!