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horizons.

I have become aware of  the horizon.

It truly is always there, but when the corn and beans grow up and become what they are intended to be, a closeness draws in. A crowding of the area you see. Limited potential and barriers to what you might become. Green and growth is a great thing, but it does hide the horizon.

When the combines are loosed from their summer slumber and ever so steadily chip away at that barrier.. what you are left with is a blank horizon. A breathing of space where one can run and jump and really see the future. A empty space where nothing is hidden and all seems free.  Yes, when the fields are all harvested there is nothing but space to dream and plan out the next growing season.

I'm not sure I have even ever thought of it being death, but I suppose that is what harvest is. Taking the fruit out and discarding the rest. In this way death is beautiful.

I long for a horizon so vast in my soul that God looks at it and says to me.

"You ran with all you had, and I am proud."

  A horizon that doesn't hold me back, and I'm free to make mistakes and plant new seeds and ideas, and where the death of me daily is a good thing. One simply can't live in growth forever, it's a season.  An ebb and flow of learning and growing.

Someday a combine will come and gather your fruit and you can begin again.... and when that day comes... it will be a great thing to see your horizon and be free to see the potential death brings.

healing: its His desire.

Yesterday I taught Promiseland, our churches early ed program. 

That's a huge sentence if you really know the whole story, and if you don't read the past posts from about 4 years ago...long story way short.. I was fired from the church I attend, but God never said "leave the church." so our family stayed.. and I spent the last 5 years walking through the healing it takes when wounded by a church. Hurt so deep that it shook my heart to the core and healing so pure that I wouldn't have changed the whole experience for anything. 

This blog was birthed out of questions my heart had through that whole season. A season that I think was laid to rest with the living out of the first sentence. A season that defines who I am today more than any other. Yes, it was hard. Harder and freakier than anything I have ever walked through, but God was and is still here. Just like he was yesterday when I was teaching the littles in Promiseland. 

When I was teaching in the past, my "boss" would pop in the room with a clipboard and write down things I said and things I did. He was an expert trainer, and he intended to train me in all ways of public presentations. He sandwiched the bad things in the middle of the good things when we'd meet to "debrief," but I doubted my up front abilities more than ever. No doubt I needed to change a few of my up front tendencies so he was right in pointing them out, but I grew to fear teaching anything, especially bible stories, when he entered into the room. I was a wreak. 

Fast forward 5 years and I was teaching the story of Abraham to about 30 little people and a handful of adults. When out of the corner of my eye a man enters the room. This could have been any man, and I assure you it wasn't his fault that my mind when back to that clipboard... he wasn't even carrying one! He was a pastor, new to our church, the most kindhearted individual I have ever met. I adore him and he plays a huge role in our family. He is a man of God and I am in no way even hinting that he even knew what him being in that room even meant. He was innocent. In fact, I even talked to him about how I felt.. and we laughed. 

Healing happened yesterday and I'm so grateful to a God that walks me ever so gently into wounds that  I never even knew needed healing. He is so compassionate and understanding. So full of hope. 

The truth is that God has given me an ability to teach little people about God in a fun and creative way. It's just that simple, and through well meaning church people that ability was wounded. Are my eyes different then they were 5 years ago? You bet. Is God the God of restoration? Absolutely. 

I know that if you put yourself out there, take a chance on God.. He will blow your socks off with the love that only He gives, and that love gently leads you through any wounds you have from churches.  He makes all things new, so keep walking. You  can do it.. even if you don't think you can. 

"May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God 

and to the steadfastness of Christ."

 2 Thessalonians 3:5